Filling Gaps

After graduating from UWC, I had a plan: I would spend the summer in Armenia and then fly to China to teach English and earn enough money to finance my education in the US. However, after a month in Armenia, I was as lost as I could be. Honestly, it was a horrible month. I realized that I had nothing to do here. After being away for two years, I had lost all connection. I barely had any friends, I wasn’t used to living with my parents, and I was drowning in post-UWC depression. By this, I don’t mean the mawkish “aww I miss everything” kind, I mean having to deal with all of the ways that the place has affected me and figuring myself out. When it was finally time for me to leave for China, I realized that that was it: If I had left then, I would never come back again. After days of long and exhausting discussions with my friends and family, I no longer had a plan. All I knew was that I was staying, and that it was going to be a struggle. I wanted to spend my gap year making sure Armenia is a place I always want to come back to. Of course, on top of this, I still had to understand who I was and who I wanted to be. Now that the year is almost over, I would like to take a look back.

Throughout my year of self-exploration, I changed six jobs and went to ten job interviews.

Job 1: Waitress

That lasted for a week. It was clear I had the potential to be the world’s worst waitress. On the last day, the cafe owner told me he would call me “tomorrow.” After I walked out, we were both sure: he wasn’t going to call, and if he did, I wasn’t going to pick up.

Job 2: Freight Manager

This lasted for two weeks, which, in my book, is progress. It was my first office job with two gigantic monitors, and it made me feel like an adult. It was also unbearably dull, and I realized that I was not going to gain anything besides money.

Job 3: Salesperson

Another two weeks went by. The manager told me I was pretty good at the job and saw a lot of potential in me. It took me about a week and a half to realize that we were scamming people. It took me another half a week to reflect rigorously on my integrity and ethics and get the hell out.

Job 4: English Teacher

It’s been six months. I love most of my students. The keyword here is “most.” Some kids make me want to swallow my arm. Though it is not something I want to do in the long run, I’ve had some experiences which I will cherish and some students I will never forget.

Job 5: Customer Success Manager

This was a month full of never-ending emails and voicemails. I was so not used to working for 8 hours a day that sometimes I randomly crashed on a beanbag and slept for an hour instead of lunch. Sometimes I would get so exhausted that I would lock myself in the bathroom for 10 minutes, cry and then wash my face and go back to work. Having been given the opportunity to work in such a cool office without even having a degree, and trying so hard to show the people around me that I am not just an irresponsible 19-year-old “kid”, I wanted to do everything correctly. While most people barely work 5–6 hours at their 8-hour jobs, I worked for at least 7.5 hours straight. In a month, because of the COVID-19 crisis, the company redirected me to another position.

Job 6: Customer Care Associate

This job gave me a new sense of perfectionism that nothing else ever could. I was always pushed to exceed the expectations of the people around me on the one hand, and my own on the other. I got introduced to the idea of being healthily challenged. While the job was challenging at times, it was never anything I couldn’t handle. I was always expected to be in the process of learning and growth.

When going to job interviews, I tried to compile a different personality for each job. At some point, I finally met the “perfect employee” version of myself, though she was a product of quite some failures.

The jobs weren’t the only essential component of my gap year — so was my mental and emotional development. I managed to find the perfect harmony between accepting who I am and defining who I want to be. I no longer believe in being “stuck” with what we got. Saying “this is who I am” when behaving negatively is no longer my go-to phrase. I have defined more precisely than ever several essential terms for myself, such as “Friendship” and “Happiness.” I am making slow and steady steps towards becoming a better version of myself, and I no longer hate myself for my failures. Most importantly, I have finally accepted that I can’t run away from myself, so I need to make “myself” a better “place”.

Finally, I made many friends, spent fantastic evenings in Yerevan, took my dog for walks around Lake Sevan, developed a better relationship with my parents, reconnected with the country that I call my home, and so much more.

There are a thousand things I wanted to do but didn’t, but today, I don’t want to focus on that.

What now?

Throughout most of my gap year, I was sure I would leave Armenia at the end of the year. However, my goal for the year backfired :) I realized that I would rather be in Armenia right now than anywhere else in the world.

After trying out so many and quite diverse professions, I decided to become a data scientist. I will be starting the new season of my life at the American University of Armenia in August.

Sometimes people ask me if I regret taking a gap year. Not even for a second! Back then, the idea of going to a university made me stressed and anxious. Now, it makes me excited.

To all the students who are afraid to take a gap year because they don’t want to “lose a year of their lives,” I would like to say that my gap year has filled most of the gaps in my life that I never thought would ever be filled.

I hope you are all safe and healthy!

Love,

Lilith